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Is this thing still on? [Nov. 9th, 2015|09:33 pm]
This is only a test.
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How to love myself [Nov. 20th, 2014|11:14 pm]
Oh, hi! Is anybody reading this? Maybe one person. If so, great! If not, yeah, oh well.

I think the following is crap, at least logically. But it resonates emotionally so I think there is worth here.

Steps to loving myself:
1. I am not perfect – and that is OK.
2. It’s OK to not be perfect, because nobody is perfect.
3. Human perfection is not difficult, but impossible.
4. Trying to do the impossible is a waste of time.
5. So, don’t try to be perfect – and that is OK.
6. Perfection is not required and not possible. This applies to any specific action or principle I can think of.
7. This is especially true when I combine many things that I wish I were perfect at. Not possible. Not required.
8. So why I do I cling to “I should be perfect; I should never make mistakes”?
9. I can’t be perfect. Therefore, what I am is enough.
10. I am enough. Therefore, I can love myself.
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Thoughts on my anger [Jul. 18th, 2014|10:22 am]
Would you like to watch me get on a soapbox? (Warning: it's kinda long.)Collapse )
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Trying to get back on track. [Jul. 16th, 2014|10:54 am]
Well...that last post of mine was a big ball of hatred, wasn't it?

I'm not going to apologize because I don't really want to be absolved here. I want to own it, understand it, and use it as fertilizer to grow something better.

I have realized that it's not enough for me to return kindness to a horrible act. I need to do more: If the world treats me negatively, even if it's just an unkind thought directed towards me, I need to respond with actions directed by loving thoughts.

WAIT! I don't need to be spiritually receptive to see you roll your eyes. But I have scientific proof that negative thoughts cause physical reactions in the world. OK, fine, not proof. But evidence!

It's in the movie I AM by Tom Shadyac, 43 minutes in the film. (I recommend the film as a whole, but I'm guessing you'll want to cut to the chase. And, yes, it's on Netflix.) Mr. Shadyac isn't your average nut job spiritual seeker. He's a successful Hollywood director (Ace Ventura, Pet Detective) and producer (Shady Acres is his company). The experiment shows electrodes being hooked up to some yoghurt and seeing what happens when negative thoughts are sent out. Sounds hokey, but you watch it and give me your own explanation for what happens.

Getting back to how this affects me directly. My goal is to live like this quote from a book I am reading: For hatred, as we know all too well, has no problem announcing itself and its intentions to the world. Our response should not just be that we oppose hate; our response must be that we love the world.

I have a lot of work to do before I reach that level, but at least I know what the work is.
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(no subject) [Jul. 13th, 2014|12:45 pm]
OK, been a while since I posted. (And I was doing so well.)

Anyhoo, church sucked today. That's because ever since I started embracing the spiritual more, I've heightened an ability of mine. I am able to read people's emotions if they are close enough to me and they are strong. (No facial recognition needed and faces don't always reveal emotion anyway.)

Going to a church that places so much emphasis on family can be difficult for those of us who are childless. For the record, my wife has had 21 miscarriages and we can't adopt because my life-long depression landed me in the hospital in 2003. However, young families that are new to the ward (church unit) don't know that. All they know is we don't have kids. We look selfish.

So here I am fucking surrounded by families that have small children. It's not the kids; they are pretty well behaved. No, it's the parents. They are sending off judgment in *waves*. It's about the equivalent of someone being really pissed off, only there are four or five couples. I can't block out the negative feelings because the spiritual in me has been emphasizing the need to accept things as they are, including everything that is negative.

Are they idiots? Really? We *chose* this lifestyle while being in a church that practically worships children??? Fuck you.

Sometimes I think I'm still in this church for the sole reason that we are still receiving assistance from them. It's like the sarcastic definition of a Democrat: Someone who dreams of someday being rich enough to become a Republican. Sometimes I dream of being rich enough to leave.

And yes, it could just be a judgment in my head. Only it's not. I've had this discernment skill for years, testing it by asking people how they feel. ("You seem angry today.") It's just stronger now.

I couldn't deal today; I left after Sacrament Meeting instead of staying for the full three hours.

I have no idea how I'm going to deal in the future.
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(no subject) [Jun. 22nd, 2014|10:28 pm]
I'm getting better at simply staying in the moment and staying open, not forcing things, not demanding a certain result. I'm trying to play my life by ear -- by listening to my heart and seeing if things feel right. The only thing I demand is the stillness. I let my life be led around other than that.

Obviously I've been doing a lot more writing. I'm hoping that my writing will be leading me somewhere more substantial. I don't know what happens next. Just suspicions. If they are correct, I certainly don't know how I'm supposed to get there, if I'm supposed to get there.

Everything feels in flux, which is a definite step up from feeling like I'm in stasis. Flung upwards? downwards? against the wall? Even a devastating crash might be better than staying on the treadmill.
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USA 2, Portugal 2 [Jun. 22nd, 2014|08:00 pm]


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World Cup rant [Jun. 11th, 2014|01:49 pm]

If you like the World Cup, you have to watch the video above. It's 13 minutes long, but well worth it.
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Sometimes I feel like Garbage? [Jun. 10th, 2014|09:08 pm]
I'm losing some of the depression/anxiety battles, but I'm determined to win the war.

After nearly losing it the other day, I thought of the song "I think I'm Paranoid" by Garbage. Then I played it in my mind a different way...and imagined as if she were singing it to life itself, instead of a lover. Then the lyrics describe me disturbingly well.

I'm particularly fond of:
I fall down just to give you a thrill
Prop me up with another pill
If I should fail, if I should fold
I nailed my faith to the sticking pole

But in the end it's just another day. Up. Down. Continue.
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Face-palm [Jun. 5th, 2014|08:13 pm]
[Current Mood |irritatedirritated]

You know, I really think lj is getting worse -- something that they can't afford. I apologize for the "title" of my previous post. I wanted the title to be blank; I still think the title should be left blank. Maybe in your version it *is* blank.

But in my version, lj ever-so-kindly made it "No subject".

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